Digging Deeper

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.    Mark 10:9

Do you remember the vows you took on your wedding day? Did you mean them or were they just words?  My husband and I chose to write our own vows. We wanted them to be personal and have meaning for us.

I look back over those vows and I laugh now. While I meant them with all my heart and I still mean them today, it shows just how blind I was about marriage. The promises I made were from a very naive 23-year-old who didn’t have a clue how hard marriage was going to be. We never fought while we were dating, we talked everything out, we never disagreed about anything (of course we only dated 6 months before we were married). Things were going to be perfect.

My husband was still in college and I brought a child with me into the marriage. Then, about a month after we were married I was pregnant. Things completely changed at that point. I was sick all the time and home by myself a lot. He was gone for school, an internship, and work. This was not how I thought it was going to be. I had visions of us eating dinner around the table every night, talking walks with our children, going to the park. You know, I think tv and commercials have really ruined the reality of marriage. He always had time for me when we were dating. I was number 1 on his list. Now, I was getting the leftovers.

He graduated 10 months later and we moved back to Dayton. There were many other trials headed our way. A new job, another child, living with my parents until we found a house, then another new job, moving into our first house, another child, and an illness that took a lot out of me. At one point we had 4 children under the age of 5. It was constant insanity. And because of a lack of communication on our parts, it was a very hard time for our marriage.

Through our 8 1/2 years of marriage I have looked back to those vows and used them to remind myself of the commitment I made and how I promised to always be in this marriage…no matter what. Things are hard sometimes. And they may get harder, but I am here.

Remind yourself why you were married. Do this together. And hold on to those promises in the hard times. Ask God for strength when you feel like you are being torn apart.

Lisa Caupp

This morning I was going to write about sarcasm. I was up from 11:30 to 4:30 with my son Noah. We watched Sleeping Beauty last night and he kept seeing the bad witch in his room. So here is a link to a great article about sarcasm in marriage.

http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/article_main_page/0,1703,A%253D151335%2526M%253D50017,00.html

Lisa Caupp

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.   John 15:13

Are you willing to sacrifice your desires for your spouse? Are their needs more important then your needs?

Sunday Darrel spoke about the “crazy cycle”. A woman wants to be loves. A man wants to be respected. A woman says, “When he starts loving me, I’ll start respecting him.” And the man says, “When she starts respecting me, I’ll start loving her.” And the cycle continues. These two will never truly be happy, because they will not give what the other needs.

I read  a book about 6 years ago called, “The Five Love Languages.” It truly changed my life. I had never thought about the problems between my husband and I were because I didn’t understand how he needed to be loved. I thought he needed what I needed.

There are five languages in this book; Quality Time, Words of Encouragement, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. When I started the book, I knew what my language was and I was very sure I knew what my husband’s was. After finishing the book, I was completely wrong!

Quality Time – This can be defined as whatever your spouse needs. If sitting in front of the TV together watching his/her favorite show is what they want, then it counts. If you spouse wants you to take a walk, go to the grocery with her, play a game…whatever they need. It is important to them that you make the effort to spend time with them. Quality time doesn’t mean you exist in the same room with him/her. They need your full attention.

Words of Encouragement – your spouse needs to know they are doing a good job. Marriage is a complicated thing, but their efforts need to be recognized.

Acts of Service – Doing things for your spouse can have a huge impact on your marriage. It could be something as simple as remembering they are out of shampoo and getting it at the store before they ask. When you husband says, “Hey I need my blue dress shirt ironed for tomorrow.” You make a plan and get it done today.

Gifts – A lot of people love to receive gifts. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. Just something to let them know you think about them when you’re not around. I know when my husband is having a hard week, I buy him a Hershey Bar with almonds and lay it on his wallet. I don’t say a word, but he knows I recognize his struggle.

Physical Touch – your spouse may need more physical touch than you do. They may need hugs, kisses, hand holding, anything. It helps them feel secure and know that everything is ok.

Now, all of us need and like these things. But when you really look closely at them, which ones could you do without? Which one stands out as the most important? Someone might say, “If my husband didn’t give me encouragement a lot, couldn’t spend a lot of quality time with me this week, wasn’t able to do anything for me, and didn’t buy me anything, I would be ok, as long as he still hugged and kissed me. If you had to only choose one, which would it be? I bet your spouse would choose a different one.

And this is the key. You have to recognize your what your spouse needs and give it to them, even if you receive nothing in return. It’s hard work, but it has an eternal value.

Get the book. Read it together and figure out how to better you marriage by better understanding what your spouse really needs.

Lisa Caupp

(If you missed the prayer outline link from yesterday, it is up and working now. Check it out on yesterday’s blog,)

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.     Hebrews 12:14-15

I battle with bitterness. I have stayed home most of our marriage and taken care of the kids and other household duties. Little things, like my husband leaving a cereal bowl full of milk on the counter, would send me over the edge.

“Does he think I have nothing better to do than to clean up after him? How hard is it to pour out the milk and put the dish in the sink? He must think that since cleaning the house is my job, then he doesn’t have to do this?”

Every morning, I would start my day that way. And by lunchtime, I had a laundry list of other injustices in my  life. By the time he got home, I was so mad at him. I never said a word about the things that bothered me. I just had this passive-aggressive attitude towards him. Doesn’t this sound ridiculous?

I read the following in an article when I was searching for a way out of my bitterness.

For nearly two centuries, Beethoven’s death was a mystery. The famous musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain. His dying wish was that his illness would be discovered.

In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of Beethoven’s end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his killer – lead poisoning.

More than likely it was a little poison in everyday activities that took his life. It could have come from drinking out of lead-lined cups or eating off of lead-lined plates – both common household items in those days. It didn’t come in one lump sum, but the lead killed him slowly and quietly – one little bit of poison at a time.

That’s how bitterness destroys a marriage. It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It’s a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it.

The problem is real. The anger is justified. However, what keeps your marriage from healing is not only the problems that you have to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness that you guard in your heart.

Everyday, little by little, you allow this bitterness to poison you. Your spouse will do something to disappointing, and instead of confronting the problem, you silently hold it against them. They continue to make the same mistakes, and you continue to harbor resentment. Bitterness harbors resentment. Bitterness doesn’t give your spouse a chance to repent. And bitterness spreads. When you bring bitterness into you life, it extends to your family, your church body, and everyone else who is involved in your life.

So, how do we get rid of bitterness?

First, we confess our bitterness as sin. We have been justifying it for years. It’s time to call it what it is!

Second, ask God for strength to forgive your spouse and then seek that forgiveness.

Third, make a list of your hurts and talk about them with your spouse. Talk, don’t accuse!

Last, work on changing yourself, not your spouse. Your spouse’s behavior may go unresolved. You cannot change them, only God can. You too have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your spouse and need to be mended. God will hold you accountable for the bitterness in your heart.

Check out the following link to one of my favorite songs. It is from the Fireproof movie. Let this be your prayer as you wait for God to heal you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFwZ7Ekg080

Lisa Caupp

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.   1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Sounds easy right? I use to look at this verse and say, “Yep, got it under control. I may struggle with a few of these sometimes, but for the most part, I’m good.”

I heard a sermon on the radio a few years ago that challenged me to take each one of those characteristics and see where I could do better. I actually believed this wasn’t a sermon for me. I was fooling myself! On the surface, I believed it. But when I started really looking at how I treated my husband, I was way off.

I was not patient with him. I wanted him to do things my way because “my way was better”. I had a tendency to make him feel guilty for being busy. I compared him to others. I would never admit when I was wrong. I was always concerned with my needs. I couldn’t let go of past hurts. How did I let things get this way? I always wondered why we were having problems and assumed it was all him. I was humbled that evening.

Now this morning, Darrel did the same thing. He asked us to look at each characteristic and try to work on them. And yet again, I could come up with a list of things that I am messing up. Shouldn’t I have this under control by now?

This is why love really is a choice. It’s not a skill we are able to master. It’s something to work on every day! We don’t build immunities to the bad behavior. Boy, I wish we did. The bad behavior creeps in slowly. Because we are selfish beings, we want out needs met immediately. But Jesus is the only one who can meet our needs. My husband cannot meet my needs. So why do I hold him accountable for them? I could either gripe, complain, nag, and nitpick until my ideal picture of married life was finally met (which might be never), or I could turn to the true Love of my soul, Jesus, and find my happiness and fulfillment in Him alone.

Prayer is the key. 1 Thessalonians says, “Pray continually.” Short and simple. We will not a the marriage God wants without prayer. We need to wake up every morning and ask God for His help and His strength. We will never accomplish anything on our own. It is by His love that we are to love our spouse. Follow His example.

While you are praying and waiting, praise God, serve God. He is the only one who can meet your needs. Wait on Him.

Here is a link to a guideline someone gave me years ago about praying for your spouse each day. It’s really hard to nag or be angry about something you just prayed about. (The above link was previously unavailable due to web host issues, It is available now. We are sorry for any inconvenience)

Read James 1:2-8 and ask God to give you wisdom concerning your marriage.

Lisa Caupp

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.   Isaiah 40:28-29

The major reason we get hurt is because we expect other people to meet needs only God can meet. No one on earth can give you absolute security in life. No one on earth can give you the love you need. No one on earth can make you completely happy. If you expect these things from someone, you are going to be very disappointed in life.

We all need love. Not the heart-thumping-feel-good kind of love. There are a lot of people who never get married and need to be loved. Now I know my husband loves me and I love him. But he cannot give me all the love I need. And I cannot give him all the love he needs. We both need a different kind of love. A love only God can provide.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.   Romans 5:8

Can you seriously give this kind of love to someone? That is true unconditional love. Even though He knew we were going to mess things up, He loved us anyway. No matter what we do or how often we do it, He loves us. No matter how many times we turn our back on Him, He loves us. When we purposefully disobey Him, He loves us. Why are we relying on things of this world to make us better? Here is someone who can do miracles, and we ignore Him.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Isa 41:13

When I was finally able to move past the hurt from my parents, it was because someone helped me realize how much God loves me. And if I never had love from anyone else, I had the love of God and that was all I needed.

We do not fully realize how much God loves us. You matter to God. You are important to God. God is the only one who can truly meet all of your needs. We have expectations of people that are beyond what they are capable. Rely on God. He will never let you down because He never fails.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.   Psalm 90:1-2

C.S. Lewis said: Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.

We have to do this every day. Just because you relied on God on Monday doesn’t get you a free pass for the week. It is an act of submission every day. Let Him heal you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5D7y8QSqJ8

Lisa Caupp

God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.   Psalm 147:3

On Sunday Rollie spoke of four ways to heal our hurts:

1. Fellowship with other Christ followers – Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

When you get together with your Christian friends you have support and a safe place to share your hurt. Life groups are a great place for that. There is nothing better than being in a group and praying for the hurts and needs of each other. There is something very powerful. I have seen it in our life groups. Marriages saved, sickness healed, and lost people come to know and have a relationship with Christ.

2. Prayer – Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Philippians 4:6

Unload on God. He wants you to. Be honest about your feelings. God knows how you really feel anyway. Tell him how much you hurt. Be real.

3. Worshiping God – I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.  Psalm 18:3

When I am down, nothing gets my mood stirred up like worshiping God. There is healing power in singing to Him. God uses praise to bind up our wounds.

4. Serving others - “He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.”  Matthew 25:45

When you are helping others, it takes the focus off of you for a short time. It also helps you see your life in perspective. And when you see others needing their needs met, it makes it easier for you to ask for help. And who knows, maybe someone else is dealing with the same hurts you are. What a great suppport you could be.

Healing can be a long process. As I shared a few days ago, it took me 11 years to fully heal from the hurts of my past. That is a long time. But two things to remember about the healing…be still and get moving. Wait for God and listen to him. Allow him to heal your heart. Don’t go too fast. But when God says go, you better go. Help others. Serving others will be a great strength to your healing.

The song for today is my favorite by Building 429. There are actually two songs on this link. It’s the first one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zLSRW6Wke8

Lisa Caupp

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.   Matthew 6:14-15

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.”   Luke 6:37

God is saying that it is in our best interest to forgive. He’s not saying what in the best interest of the person who needs to be forgiven. God is trying to protect us. We receive the most benefit from the forgiveness. When we don’t forgive, it complicates our relationship with God. But forgiving others releases the anger and allows us to heal. God loves us far above anything else and He does not want anything to stand in between us and Him.

God does not put one sin over another. In the same way He does not tell us to forgive one sin over another. He doesn’t say, “Forgive those who lie to you, but if someone hurts you child, you don’t have to forgive them.”

God says forgive everyone.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and bear whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Can you imagine God saying, “I cannot forgive you. You have hurt me too many times in the past and I am not going to forgive you.”

No. God would never say that. He has forgiven us immediately, as far as the east is from the west, He forgives and forgets.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that the other person is right. It means giving your hurt to God and trusting Him to be the Judge of others behavior-Rollie told us that on Sunday.

While nothing can undo the past, we can do something about our future. We don’t have to keep holding the bitterness and resentment inside. Forgiving others allows our own healing to start.

Forgive. Forgive others. Forgive freely. Know the peace of letting go.

God has forgiven our sins. Rollie told us on Sunday “We are never more like Jesus than when we forgive others.”

Listen to this song and remember what Jesus has done for you and do the same in return.

Read Matthew 18:21-23

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oV4ndllEY8

Lisa Caupp

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Sometimes we are ashamed of our hurt. And we may even be afraid to share our hurt with others. I am going to share a story about a time in my life when I carried a lot of hurt and how not admitting the problem almost ended my life.

When I was 19, my relationship with Christ was more or less nonexistent. I was still going to church, but that wasn’t enough. I was carrying a lot of bitterness and resentment towards my parents and it was spilling over into every other part of my life. Those who had been my close friends for years were no longer my close friends. I was to embarrassed to tell them what was going on. So, I shut them out. I thought having pain in my life showed weakness and a lack of control.

My parents did not have any interest in my life. It had been that way for a long time. I tried so hard to make them proud of me and wished they could love me. I knew my parents loved me. I mean, they’re parents, that’s what they are supposed to do. But if they loved me, wouldn’t they want to know me?  I began to self-medicate. Whatever I could do to mask the pain, I did. At first is was small things. I stayed away from home as much as possible. I tried to hurt my parents with my words. I thought that if I made them hate me, then it would make things easier. Eventually I moved into an apartment and vowed never to speak to them again, and I didn’t for 7 months.

I thought getting away from them would heal all my hurts. But the hurt was still there. I started drinking with my “new friends” and eventually turned to drugs. Those things made my hurt go away, but only for a couple of hours. After the hangover or high wore off, I was alone with the same hurts.

One afternoon I was curled up on the couch crying and begging God to take my life. I wanted Him to take the pain away. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I knew God wasn’t going to do it, that’s not who He is. So, a few hours later I tried to take my own life.

After a few minutes, I felt someone smack me. I can’t explain it any better than that. Someone smacked me. It brought me out of the haze I was in and I was able to think clearly. I called a friend and asked her to help me. I went to the hospital and started the recovery there. But even after the Dr’s and nurses did everything they could to save my life, I was still hurting. And to make things worse, I was released to the care of my parents. Here I was, right back in the home where all the hurt started.

It would be many years before I was able to move on with my life. This all happened in 1997 and it wasn’t until sometime in 2008 that I was able to let go of this and rely on God for strength. It was a very slow process. Things may have happened faster if I had truly given God the control and allowed Him to heal me. But I kept hiding it, not talking to anyone about it, not even my husband. But it is amazing how free I felt once I began to talk about it. Realizing that I cannot control what others do or say gave me peace.

I see my parents all the time now. And even though I know things haven’t changed, I know I am not on this earth to make them proud of me. I have a Father who is proud and loves me more than anything else. And no matter what I do, good or bad, His love never changes.

Admitting that you are hurting is not a sign of weakness. It shows strength and control. Find someone you trust and start talking.

Read Psalm 146

Below is the song for today by a wonderful group called Overflow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzb4SYSwmqo

Lisa Caupp

“Be still, and know that I am God!”     Psalm 46:10a

Hurt is inevitable.

Whether we intend to or not, we have all hurt someone and we ourselves have been hurt. We live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. Therefore, hurt is inevitable.

Hurt is tough. Hurt from our past and hurt from our present…is tough. It drains life out of us. A life that God has given us. It is a gift and we waste it by dragging those hurts around with us. We feel alone and that no one understands what we are facing. But we are not alone. We don’t have to drag these feelings around with us all day, every day. Wouldn’t it be great to be standing on top of a mountain and not down in the valley below? Over the next few days we will discuss how to get to the top of that mountain.

I thought of three things I do when someone has hurt me.

#1      I wallow in my own misery. It might make me feel good for a short time, but in the end, the hurt is still there.

#2     I spread all of my hurt on someone else. I want everyone to feel as bad as I do. Now I still have all the pain, plus I have created much more in my path of destruction.

#3     I accept that not everyone is perfect (including myself) and I forgive and cling to the foundation that is God and allow Him to heal me.

Okay, so I don’t choose #3 very often.

I know accepting and forgiving is easy to say. And I’m sure we all would say it’s what we should choose. But in reality, we look towards ourselves instead of God.

This past summer my 5-year-old son had a lot of blood work done. They took 8 tubes of blood. It was terrible. I laid across him, pinning him down, and talking softly to him. I was trying to comfort my screaming son who was hurting. I kept telling him to look at me and listen to me. But he was more concerned with what the nurses were doing.

Doesn’t this sound familiar? We are hurt and we are screaming. God is telling us to look at Him and listen to Him. But we are too focused on what is going on around us.

God is a place of trust and strength. He has proven Himself over and over. The earthquakes, the crumbling mountains, and the roaring waves of our life happen. Those whose confidence is on a floating foundation are troubled by these things. But God’s foundation is strong and will hold against anything…ANYTHING!

It is impossible to have a mountain without a valley. In the valley, God gives you clarity, a vision and a plan to reach the top of the mountain. But we have driven up with our truck of baggage, set up tent, and thrown ourselves a pity party. So be still…be still and quiet and let God begin His plan for healing. He never fails.

Read all of Psalm 46.

Music is a huge part of my life. It is a part of my worship everyday.

Listen to this song and let it be your worship throughout the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzxyiZAvV3I

Lisa Caupp